There was a time when my kids couldn't wait to get away from our house! They never wanted to go home...Now, they were only 3 and 4 so perhaps I shouldn't let that bother me so. But, I did. Why didn't my kids love to go home. Why is it that no one felt like it was a little easier to breathe there?
Was it clutter? No we had nothing. Was it anger? No. Was it stress? Yes, that was some of it. The truth is our home was nothing more than a shell. And inside the shell there was little joy, because I let the stress of failure suck the joy out of my home.
We were a financial mess. And in order to try and "help" I put everything else on the back burner and threw myself wildly into a business. It had no vision, no commitment, no plan. I didn't know my own worth and I let people walk all over me. I didn't realize at that time how draining that would prove to be. It sucked the rest of the life out.
Fast forward, through a move, and a medical retirement. I made the choice to close the "doors" to our business. (My Etsy shop and Facebook page). Life was changing rapidly and drastically and we all just needed to regroup. To breathe. We came home to Tennessee and threw our belongings into storage for 5 months and stayed with family. We could all breathe again. Our kids flourished. We all were comfy. And I analyzed what the difference was. The difference was stability! No, we weren't surrounded by our stuff and sometimes that was obnoxious, but we were stable. Mommy wasn't ready to pull her hair out and everyone had clean clothes and food was on the table at a reasonable hour. Everyone and everything was clean...well as clean as it gets with 3 children ages 5 and under.
Now, we are in our own home and I am so incredibly grateful for the heart change that I have been through. I am determined to do away with the shell and fill my home with more than things, but real gritty handmade love. I am determined to show God's grace. I am determined to open our home to those who need one (not sure how, but it's been on my heart.)
And then, maybe God will inspire that entrepreneurial spirit in me, for sleeping giants oft do not lie. But for now I am content to just be here in the present, in our house. It will be a journey to make it a home, but it is an important one. A home that doesn't have to be clean, but embraces the child messes, because I know it shows that they are just growing and exploring. A home where those hidden corners and treasure troves are just as important as the wide open spaces...but most importantly, beauty from the inside out...beautiful God hearts that are so bright that they shine for HIS glory.
I realize how much I let my family down. And I realize how great our God is. He picked our family up despite my failures and brought us somewhere to refocus me. He knew what we needed. He knew where to place his wandering daughter. Somewhere, she would see how beautiful the gifts are she has been given.
xo.
Bethany
